I got really lucky and found some work for the few weeks before we move.
I had this idea that discipline in January wouldn’t be challenging – I imagined having wells of free time. On top of meditating and practicing yoga every day I thought I would spend afternoons painting, reading, camping and going for hikes. Yoga and meditation would just be my first priority.
In reality I’m up a ladder at 8:30 am, pulling Christmas lights of someone’s gutters.
I thought I wouldn’t have to really schedule my practices until we started TEFL training. This month was going to be all about healing and preparing slowly. I am still doing those things, but now it includes untangling strands of lights. I am grateful to be challenged sooner. This is good practice for what the rest of my year will look like.
The studio has been especially busy. If I want to guarantee a practice I am up at 5:45, meditating before class at 7:00 and running home to pack a lunch in time for work. There have been a few days since starting where I didn’t practice in the morning and went to evening classes. It’s harder to motivate myself to sit down and meditate when I’ve come home from a long day. All I want to do is sit in a warm tub.
The first lesson of the Year of Big Possible is that it has to happen in the morning.
It’s too easy for me to make excuses about going to a later class or meditating before bed. When I procrastinate I risk missing a day completely. I know myself too well to trust my own excuses.
I am noticing changes in my practice. Sitting for 30 minutes used to feel like a long time, I would check my timer once or twice. Recently I have been getting to a place where focusing for half an hour isn’t challenging. My attention is getting sharper. Catching thoughts and pushing them away gently. When something comes up my mind often reacts with a quick “Hmmm… don’t need that.”
I used to label thoughts. I would notice and say “This is a thought” or “This is remembering” or “This is fantasizing.” Lately it’s like there’s no time to come up with the right word. My mind jumps in too quickly with “Don’t need that.”
My physical yoga practice is feeling really right. I don’t feel as challenged by classes in Victoria as I did in Baltimore. And thank goodness for that. The poses and the effort of it all was too loud to hear myself over. I start performing, I stop listening. I start competing, I stop taking care of myself.
Moksana makes more space for chanting, meditation and stillness. More space for exploring the smallness of it all. That’s where I want to work. It’s lovely when the residue of the practice is pretty – but I am working on remembering that a headstand isn’t yoga – what happening in the mind is yoga.
The other side of that same coin is I am proud of what my body is capable of these days. Feeling like I belong to my body is worth something. Feeling like I can come home to my mind is worth everything.